Dear Son

Some times things happen that cause me to think and rethink things over and over, and with normal adults I like to talk things through.  With a young child though it is both easier and harder in some ways.  It is easier in that I can do something wrong, say I am sorry, and they tend to act like they forget about it and become distracted with toys or whatever, but at the same time, because I know they lack some of the same level of cognition, it is harder because I feel like things are not really settled. 

 Today I accidentally smacked my son's head into a wall, which was 100% non-intentional, but caused him pain.  Accidents with children are so commonplace and children find ways to get hurt in every way possible, but for some reason today's event has caused me to lose sleep thinking about.  I wanted more than anything him to forgive me.  I think that because he is between 3 and 4, really starting to talk a lot, and becoming a good and interesting person, that I see him closer to an equal in some ways, but at the same time, he is a child and lacks some of the basic abilities to communicate and understand as I wish that he could.  I wanted more and anything to talk him through the pain, apologize, and receive some kind of forgiveness.

Since tried to talk with him and we got back to smiling and playing, I felt a bit better, but as I lie in bed I realized that I still felt awful.  I decided to write him a letter trying to explain how I felt and how as parents we try but fuck up a lot in the process.  I don't know if he will ever read this some day in the future or remember the pain of today at all, but I hope that he will at least come to learn and understand the sentiment I am going for in this letter.  

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Dear Son,

I just need to get something off of my chest and since you are still too young to fully understand, I am writing this down in hopes that some day you will understand.

Being a parent is really hard in many ways.  Some days are extremely frustrating while others nothing but joy.  Tonight I am having a bit of trouble sleeping because we had a bit of an incident today that I am having issues letting go of.  We get into arguments from time to time, as is to be expected from a child and their parents.  At this time, when you act out your mother and I use the "time-out" method of putting you into the corner.  Well today I asked you to clean up your room, you got mad at me, started throwing a fit, then when I warned you about going to the corner, you screamed at me.  This caused me to get up and charge at you in order to grab you and put you into the corner with some force.  In this event though I accidentally grabbed you too hard and you fell, causing your head to smack into the wall of the corner.

You immediately screamed and I immediately grabbed you and picked you up.  I felt so horrible as I do anytime I accidentally hurt you.  It is hard because we are so much bigger than you and forget our strength at times causing issues like this, or we don't see you below us and we end up stepping on you and hurting you that way.  In the end, we never mean to harm you, but in our time together it has happened from time to time, and in return you also have harmed us from time to time, never intentional, but due to you just playing or climbing on us or whatever.

When I saw that cut and bump on your head and heard you crying I was in so much pain myself.  I felt awful for inflicting this damage upon you.  I picked you up, carried you over to the couch, checked to make sure that you were not seriously bleeding or anything, but the bump still looked horrible.  Then there was part of me that wanted to be like "Well, that is what you get for not listening and arguing with me," but this was not your fault, it was mine and I did not want to make you feel like the cause at all.  I am the parent and need to be the one that sets an example of love and compassion, as well as an example of patience for those smaller and weaker than myself.

I apologized, put and ice pack on your head, which you played with a bunch because you are silly like that, and we sat on the couch together talking some.  You are such a sweet-hearted boy and told me that it is okay, accidents happen after you settled down some, but I still felt awful.  I want so badly to be a good and kind father while teaching you to be a good and kind boy, but sometimes I just don't know how to do that.  Sometimes I just think that all I am doing is wrong and all I am doing is hurting you in some way.

I just hope that some day you can find it in your heart to truly forgive your mother and I for any indiscretions in parenthood.  I know that we are not perfect and make mistakes, but I just hope that we teach you well enough to look past those mistakes and know that we are trying our best for you, and in a constant state of trying to get better at it as well.  I am always trying to change myself for the better, to set a positive example, and to teach you how to treat others, but I am also constantly afraid that in doing something wrong we may teach you the incorrect message.

I love you so much, more than I ever thought that I could.  My intentions are good and I am still trying to make my actions and my intentions line up as perfectly as I possibly can.  Please know that no matter what wrongs we might do, we are trying and hoping that our love and caring will be enough to make us the best people we can be and make you the best person you can be.

I love you son.

-Dad